I ache today in ways those who have never had On Call duties in the Operating Room will never understand.
My head hurts, my body aches, and I've lost, literally, two days of my life because of my career.
On the one hand, I have the skills to save lives, the skills I've worked so diligently to be able to use. These skills are needed in our community. I use them well.
On the other, I am spent.
I am writing this so you may understand what is required to live the life of a physician anesthesiologist...
Saturday had been a blessing. No need to go in for the back-up call.
We attended the fundraiser to help raise money to continue our efforts to rebuild the emergency room.
A high-amount donor spoke, someone who is 'in partnership with the hospital', and the donation to the welcoming area of the ER was one hundred ten thousand dollars, something a lot, and it was dedicated to the doc who started our ER when the hospital first opened.
This family appreciates the care given by the hospital teams to the community, and donates their time as well.
For example, the wife runs the wig bank for the cancer patients, and even has a stylist come in to give their wigs a nice hairstyle. She feels so much better for helping the people who are suffering from cancer like one of their children had.
For that matter, the ER doc had not one but TWO children with cancer the whole time he was working in the ER...
I came in for the one booked case on my first call weekend day.
Anthony wanted to spend the day with me. I had booked a hotel room nearby.
He enjoyed the doctor's lounge.
I couldn't even start the case because there was a form of 'medical hemodynamic crisis' anesthesia could set off. It's a kind of crisis my anesthesia drugs can't work for swings in blood pressure. I needed experts to tell me how to decrease the risk. I knew the medicine to give that should have been given to stabilize the condition but the primary care docs hadn't started it yet.
Getting consults first thing Sunday morning isn't easy to do!
Working with the family who was filled with fear and worry wasn't easy either.
I was in a medical meat-grinder.
Once the case went well, the Reiki healing (which I share with everyone, but usually starts with the patient) was to remove Fear.
I saw it, chains and strings of this black emotion--pulling from old tired energy grids, and timelines. It pulled for most of the day.
And I experienced it.
After the case, I got lunch for us at a local burger place. We had already had the Vietnamese breakfast--Vietnamese coffee (strong, over ice), egg rolls, and sandwiches with egg. We checked in to the hotel. It was one p.m.
Anthony watched the football game. I passed out on the couch, exhausted.
I never heard the call from the hospital. I saw a text when I glanced at my phone at three thirty that the RN couldn't reach me and my backup was driving to the hospital for the four o'clock case.
Anthony had the TV so loud we never heard the phone.
I could get fired for this. First call needs to come in.
So I called and rushed and got to the hospital. Only to be diverted to a different part of the hospital where a serious (I wish I could explain more but I can't) hemorrhage was undergoing emergency definitive surgery.
I managed the transfusions and helped the anesthesiologist who was working in that part of the hospital.
The panic in the room was palpable. The surgeon was cool and calm. So was I. The nurses, and the anesthesiologist were SHOOK. It's hard to explain it. Yes the patient wasn't looking good, totally pale, and hypotensive. All trauma patients look like that too. But we aren't a trauma center, so this was one of the first times I supposed the people were seeing this, and they were dealing with it emotionally.
People followed orders, thankfully. I got what I needed--blood, spare tubing, people to check blood with me. Then I had to leave for my next case, which, surprisingly enough, was a complication to fix from that same other part of the hospital!
I finished, and came home. The case to follow had cancelled, mercifully, and Anthony was hungry and in the hotel. I made a pleasant, makeshift dinner of mac and cheese for him, warmed up zucchini sticks and onion rings for us, cantaloupe, papaya and banana from breakfast, and yogurt. It was enough.
Then we watched a movie. A funny one.
The minute the movie ended, the phone rang. Appendix.
I drove in to the hospital.
As I came in, my friend who had cancelled the case wanted to tack it on after the appy. I said, 'please God, no.' And he delayed it for me.
But after the appy (every case takes minimum one and a half hours for the team to come in, set up, do the work and clean up), I got a call regarding the first patient I had pumped blood on. The bleeding hadn't stopped.
I said, 'You need Novo-7'. The big dose. We have it here in the hospital, its about ten thousand dollars.
I went home to the hotel and lay in bed for one fitful hour.
But the panic at high levels, and the fear, was so high, that I got called into the angio suite, where we didn't even have an anesthesia machine set up.
I don't know how they did it but the team found it and hooked it up. I had to carry by hand drug tray, equipment, and fluid warmer and tubing for the transfusions. We technically 'have' a Level One rapid infuser, but it's being 'approved' or something. I couldn't use it.
So I prayed.
The case took forever.
No one could find the bleeding.
The Novo-7 had worked.
I got to take the patient to the ICU and go home. I worked from one a.m. to three a.m.
Fortunately, in the other part of the hospital, I had asked for a favor in return--please start my case at seven thirty and I will relieve you by eight thirty. (Yes, short staffed by two anesthesiologists so all month we have had post calls work).
Anthony couldn't get to school. I had planned to drive him during that hour, but I was too sleepy. We got late checkout and ate the breakfast at the hotel. Then I went back to work. I was scheduled to work till two, much to my dismay.
Once there I saw there had been a cancellation, and perhaps I would be relieved at ten. I made sure nobody forgot me at the hospital--and made sure I was relieved early because I had been up all night.
I was relieved by nine.
I came back to the room, and slept till noon. Twelve thirty. That's when the housekeeper knocked on the door. One knock and it wakes you, no matter how sleepy you are.
We drove to lunch, drove home, and I slept again until four p.m.
THAT's when I finally started to feel normal. I fed the pets. I made a simple dinner of leftovers for us.
And we watched one movie before bed, Netflix, the Naked Gun.
Ordinarily on call, I would have slept any time I wasn't in the hospital. It doesn't help, but it doesn't get you as deeply sleep-deprived. Could I work with clarity the time I was in the hospital, yes. It's AFTER that's hard. And with Anthony, he wanted to enjoy my company. I couldn't sleep. HE couldn't sleep either if I wasn't in the hotel room.
Why didn't I hire a sitter?
Because I didn't want to give up a day with my son. I've worked three weekends in a row. I miss him and he misses me.
I also realize, after hotel, meals, and sitter, on a usual call I barely break even. It's not even worth it, financially. It's just something that's a part of the job I do to keep my job.
I asked Anthony, 'am I supposed to keep using these skills? Or move on to something else? I don't know?'
He said, 'I pick up it's a little of both'.
I do too.
I asked a close friend, 'Why is it that when I save a life it takes away some of mine?'
It's a good question.
Ross is very quiet.
He's working incredibly hard, I know.
Divine Mother and her Higher Self got the head of the snake, and if it's not the head, it's really close to it. A horrible, nasty soul. It spit at her as she challenged it, and told it too must decide, heal or merge.
I think we are out of the woods.
As fires in California burn, and that adds more 'news' and 'loss'--so much heartache, including to the animals. (One of my friends is on a large animal rescue team here, and was activated to save horses...I'm so grateful for people like this)...I wait for things to get better.
Just as doctors, nurses, and technologists are a resource to the community, please know it's just that--not inexhaustible. Please do what you can to support your first responders and medical community in return.
We are running on fumes.
We lack respect that we had forty years ago.
Insurance companies are beating the s-h-i-t out of us by taking away our resources to bare bones.
Puerto Rico apparently was a key manufacture of many of our i.v. medications, especially pain meds used in surgery--morphine, dilaudid--so now we are experiencing critical shortages too.
Pray. Send love. Follow your heart if you are inclined to give (even sending donuts helps the morale!)
And enjoy as we go to this: https://gaiaportal.wordpress.com/2017/10/10/fortification-of-ultra-dimensional-grids-completes/
Ross smiles and waves but has to focus on his projects at the moment.
clap! Clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple
